Lazy Baker: A Study of True Malaise

Eick sent me some free food on behalf The Lazy Baker.  I was initially very excited about this.  My life has been rather…ahem…hair-pulling out insane recently.

Moving from the suburbs of Chicago into the city.  Adjusting to a new and longer commute.  Painting.  Unpacking.  Trying to stock the pantry and get settled.  You know.  BORING LIFE THINGS.

That being said, getting a cardboard cylinder with a label that read: “The Lazy Baker” was a truly magical moment.  Lazy baking seemed an oasis of relief from my life’s recent death march.  And then I lost the cylinder during the move.

Well, they were kind enough to re-send it.  This time I read the label…and was rather surprised to see baking instructions.

Let’s break it down to semantics.  Baking cookies is an inherently easy task.  Some flour, some eggs, some sugar, baking powder and butter and whatever chocolate-type sweet thing and you eventually get cookies.

After three failed attempts to create these cookies, I buckled down.  I beat a stick and half of butter, added some vanilla and then mixed the mixture in.  If you have a nice mixer, use it.  I decided to act like I didn’t have a mixer and see just how lazy these cookies were.  I received a tender wrist from the proceedings, mixed in the chocolate chips and rolled them into little balls as per the instructions.

After about 10 minutes the double chocolate cookies came out warm and melty and soft.  A day later they they were crispy, as one would expect.  Fine cookies.  Tasty even.

The quandary is thus: The cookies are delicious, but is the baking process truly lazy?

No, these aren’t lazy.  Pillsbury cookie dough tubes are insanely easy to bake.  Remove wrapping, cut to desired thickness, place on baking sheet and bake.  You can’t get any lazier than that.  It is the end of the evolutionary arch of the cookie.  First there is no cookie, then a cookie from scratch, then Pillsbury.  There is no step beyond that ultimate benchmark of laziness.

Therein lies the rub, my friends.  These Lazy Baker items aren’t lazy enough.  Pillsbury has set the bar so low that the “Lazy Baker” moniker itself becomes a detriment to the product.  I was led to believe that I could bake these cookies while unpacking boxes, catching up on laundry and cleaning the bathtub.  Alas, these are not “Multi-Tasking Baker” or even “Low Maintenance Cookies.”  They are for cooks and bakers with a scrap of dignity left, those who still embrace the process of baking but might not have all the time in the world.

The cookies are delicious, friends.  If you have a mixer and 20 minutes to kill, Lazy Baker is your weapon of choice.  If, however, you have no sense of decency and feel justified in baking the laziest cookies in history, Pillsbury brand cookie dough will be your Excalibur.  I judge ye not.  Go forward and bake!