5 Things I Like About The “Schumwich”

This is a true gem, brought to us by the folks at the New York Post: New York Senator Charles Schumer is just like us.  He has a secret awesome sandwich that he adores. Dig on this:

Roast beef, banana peppers, pickled jalapeños, extra onions, extra tomatoes, two layers of pickles, mayonnaise and mustard on hearty Italian bread…

Jesus I WANT TO EAT THIS EVERY DAY.  As an ex-pat New Yorker I could give less of a hoot about his politics. This sandwich alone should get Schumer re-elected easily, screw the campaign.  There is so much to like here we might as well get started.

1. PEPPERS.  So many delicious peppers.  Subway sandwiches demand peppers due to the almost tasteless attributions other topping pretenders exhibit (ahem, black olives).  The banana peppers are the dark horse here, not as aggressive as cousin Jalapeno, but full of sweet hot flavor.
2. CHARLES SCHUMER HATES LETTUCE.  Per the Post: “No lettuce — it kills the flavor!” Schumer is known to bark at aides who mess up the order.” Like Schumer, I abhor lettuce on my sandwich.  In a lot of ways lettuce is like an extra pillow on a bed: It serves no purpose and usually ends up on the floor.  Most people wouldn’t admit they hate lettuce, but Schumer will take none of that bull.  Let someone else enjoy tasteless watery filler on their sandwiches.
3. SUBWAY.  Schumer admits that he gets the sandwich at Subway.  Ballsy, my friend.  As more mom and pop sandwich shops shutter their windows in a withering economy, Schumer has the audacity to to shrug his shoulders and order from the nearest place possible.  In my mind, sandwiches are different from city to city, shop to shop.  Apparently Schumer believes that the exacting make-up of the Schumwich renders the sandwich-maker obsolete.  While political enemies could use his ignorance of small business sandwiches against him, Schumer merely shrugs and continues to pay six dollars and some odd cents for his footlong masterpiece.
4. EXTRA PICKLES.  This is crucial: “Aides are encouraged to demand the extra pickles only after the first layer has been placed inside the sandwich in order to ensure the hoagie receives the necessary amount of extra.”  Anyone who has asked for extra anything at Subway knows how it is.  The Sandwich Artist will normally stare at you as if you’re getting fatter by the second and barely put anything else on your sandwich if you ask for extra.  It is an alienating, crushing experience.  The science of waiting until the first layer is finished is brilliant.  While you may still get the eye rolls the Artist has no choice but to add more pickles until you’re satisfied.  Schumer will not be short-changed.
5. THE HISTORY.  Every sandwich has a story, and the Schumerwich began its life as a loaded roast beef grinder at Tony’s Subs while Schumer attended Harvard College.  He spent YEARS mastering the balance of vegetables.  This is a man I truly admire, a man unwilling to concede defeat at the hands of sandwich mediocrity.  This is no mere sandwich; It is the blood, sweat and tears of Charles Schumer.

Blood, sweat and tears never tasted So Good

I will be ordering this sandwich within the week.  I challenge all of you to order a Schumwich and tell me what you think.  Are the onions too much?  Did you wait for the Artist to add extra pickles?

Above all, remember this: For every Schumwich ordered, an angel gets his wings.

Pic courtesy of this.