Get Off My Damn Lawn: Halloween Tips to a Kids Free Porch

Preparing for Halloween and the unending conga line of costumed critters poised to beset your abode gets tougher every year. What constitutes a worthy handout in this day and age is vastly different compared to the quaint homemade snacks delved out decades ago. Popcorn ball? What are you, Amish? The sooner you realize you’re no longer dealing with your Mom & Dad’s Trick or Treater the better.

That’s because in this day in age, we have to contend with an entirely new breed of Halloweener. This generation of cul-de-sac cruisers come calling with attitude and technology to spare. Pleasing them is tough, as 364 days of constant coddling by their parental Yes Men have endowed them with illusions of Gossip Girl level self worth. Yes that’s right, all savvy spooky night solicitors are surly iPads, while you are a befuddled and dusty Atari 2600 sitting on your Martha Stewart Living decorated porch with a Halloween pail full of candy fail awaiting judgment.

Here are a few tips on how to survive, and better yet, deter the impending onslaught of your neighborhood boys and ghouls this October 31st. The fewer twelve year olds dressed up as Snooki and the Situation sauntering up to your door begging for hand-outs (please note this foreshadowing Jersey Shore cast), the better off you are in retaining any glimmer of hope for our future.

• If you’re looking to reduce foot traffic at your home on Halloween, ensure that you begin giving out healthy snacks such as granola or raisins early in the evening. Hippie Houses, as they are often coined amongst Tween circles can be instantly blacklisted via Facebook and Twitter updates resulting in a dramatic drop in doorbell rings.
• Try Instituting “Halloween Idol” at your front door. This only requires three people and a small card table. Once word gets out that you are judging costumes and giving out treats in accordance to creativity and originality, you will instantly ensure Teens with half ass outfits consisting of nothing but a dollar store wig or last minute garbage bag attire will move on.
• Buy a house with a long and/or steep driveway. According to most government reports and frequently credible episodes of “Maury”, all kids today are obese creatures that when faced with exercise will give up immediately and move on. Actually they won’t even move on. It’s more akin to continental drift. Unless you are dispensing free double dip soft serve with sprinkles or mashed potato scented asthma inhalers, you will instantly cut out 50-70% of potential Trick or Treat contenders.

Here’s a short list on the right ammunition required to help your front door get instantly brandished with a scarlet letter by pint size snack critics and surly teens alike. Remember, less knocks on the door means more leftover Hershey’s Miniatures for you.

• Candy Corn: Each year they come out with new flavors for this faux maize butter bomb. My Grandfather was a wise man and often he would use a quote which I believe sums up Candy Corn’s annual attempt at a confectionery come back. “You can put lipstick on a pig but in the end it’s still a pig.”
• Candy Kisses: Inert blobs of congealed molasses are hardly something I would associate to a kiss. Sure I had a Great Aunt who smothered me with pecks which always left sticky Werther’s Original residue all over my face. I’d take an eternity of that weirdness over having to consume one Candy Kiss. The first thing I would do upon returning home after Trick or Treating was sift through my take like a crazed Gold Miner seeking out the yellow and orange wrapped witch poop so I could exorcise them to the nearest trash can.
• Apples: There has been this Urban Legend which has persisted for eons. It tells the tale of one unfortunate kid who found a razor blade in his apple. To this day I believe this story was created by a group of paranoid children who thought getting this myth out there would in effect halt the chances of anyone ever giving out Granny Smith’s ever again. Unless the apple is smothered in caramel and impaled on a stick, this item should be stricken as a Halloween Treat option.
• Plain Potato Chips: In this era of Lunch size Doritos and mini Pringles tins why is it that people see it fit to settle on offering plain Lays? Or worse yet, those generic bags that always seem to be plagued with a plethora of those nasty green edges? Every kid knows the street value in a cafeteria for a bag of plain chips is half a day old tuna sandwich. Maybe the bottom remnants of a pudding cup at best.
• Raisins: You know who came up with the saying “Nature’s Candy”? The National Let’s Make Raisins Hip Board that’s who. The raisin is the Trojan horse of the junk food world. Show me a kid who pulls a mini bag of Raisnettes out of his loot bag and screams “Hooray! Chocolate covered raisins” and I’ll show you a kid who is home schooled.

If you’ve decided to move forward with any of these kiddy Kryptonite ideas I have provided, please ensure your property damage insurance is up to date. Either that or you’ve invested in a new power washer. Hell hath no fury like a twelve year old deprived of their annual entitled hand out.

What are some of the most hated items that you’ve discovered slumming at the bottom of your Trick or Treat pillow case?