Halloween Intervention: Your Dog is Not Food

Dogs only fear three things in life. Vet Visits, Thunder & Halloween. Man’s best friend is always on a vigilant lookout for pumpkins, as they represent impending humiliation. Each time this year our beloved companions are subjected to a relatively new and horrifying ritual. Having tired of dressing up babies and toddlers in lavish Halloween costumes some have seen fit to start popping outfits on Rex. How has the SPCA not caught on to this practice?

“If my legs weren’t so stubby I would have been three States away by now.”

I was always fine with a whimsical bandana on a Border Collie. I accepted it when people began to adorn their chilly dog with a pooch specific insulated coat. Then it escalated to parkas with faux fur details and rain proof slickers with matching galoshes. I just shook my head soundly and chalked it up to empty nesters or DINKS with too much time and money.

Now it appears that dressing your mutt for Halloween has sky-rocketed to insane levels amongst owners. Now Benji and Lassie must fear what I believe to be the lowest common denominator in Halloween costumes for dogs. With the onset of Foodie Nation and a legion of culinary fetish fans growing exponentially each second, they prepare a food themed costume to display their undying love for the culinary world while using a hapless puppy as their medium.

Even Orville Redenbacher wouldn’t have approved of this.

Your dog’s main goal in life is to please. But how many of them must be subjected to the humiliating Halloween walk of shame dressed as sushi or lobster as other dogs with normal owners look on?

Dogs have sat faithfully next to us at the dinner table looking for a handout for as long as there has been dinner. I believe it to be true when I say dogs can openly recognize and discern human food over kibble. I certainly don’t need to be the Dog Whisper to deduce what is going through a dogs mind when suddenly he is a box of Chinese take-out. Yet annually we go bat shit crazy and giddily purchase an elaborate stuffed hamburger costume for our Labradoodle or stitch together a ridiculous felt based banana outfit for that special Beagle in our life.

“Oddly enough he felt humilated again five minutes later.”

While this may win you the top prize at your local Dog Park’s Spooky Off Leash-a-palooza Costume Party, it may be leaving Fido with years of tormenting nightmares. Spot a dog in a Halloween food costume and I will show you the definition of infinite sadness. Unless that said canine is a pug. You can dress a pug up as a t-bone steak and make it do laps in a kennel chocked full of starving Rottweiler’s with a slice of bologna taped to its head and it would still look happy.

This year buy your canine compadre a stylish seasonal themed bandana instead. I guarantee it will be considerably cheaper than a pet psychiatrist.

**By the way, if you own a Daschund and dress it up as a hot dog thinking that this is the funniest thing ever, there should be a law that forces you to return your dog and trade it in for a cat immediately.