Holiday Helpings: Recipes From Christmas Icons

After last week’s 12 Days of Christmas Dinner, I had plenty of people contact me, wondering how I function on a day to day basis as I am clearly insane. (Some say madness and brilliance teeter precariously on a thin line. A thin line I have named George.) They also asked for me to offer up something a bit more affordable, that they could make easily at home for their family to enjoy during the Holidays, without having to take out 80 mortgages.

“Alan was visited by three ghosts, the last being the most awkward.”

I think it was someone in the Bible, or a Family Circus cartoon that said “Ask and ye shall receive!”

As the Holiday season is now breathing down our collective necks, what better time to share interesting and festive recipes from some of the most iconic Christmas Characters known to Pop Culture? I managed to procure an advanced copy of Horper / Cullins “Holiday Special All Stars Cookbook” which won’t be released until next year due to numerous copyright infringement lawsuits, mostly from Ebenezer Scrooge & the Grinch estates.

Inside you’ll find such interesting fare as Clarke Griswold’s “Cousin Eddie’s Egg Nog”, Scrooge’s “Three French Toasts of Christmas”, Charlie Brown’s “Good Grief Holiday Peanuts Brittle” and many more!

I’ve posted a few for your consideration.

If you’re looking for something different to serve this time of year, pick one of these seasonal offerings that would please the crankiest of food critics in Who-ville. Even Ralphie’s kid brother, the pickiest of eaters would gleefully Oink out on any of these recipes.

These recipes are real, tried and tested. I did not make them up or have them provided to me via a mysterious talking tree I sat down beside at the Mall during my last minute sleep deprived, power drink fueled, shopping marathon. You can feel good in choosing any of these delicious selections and give Martha Stewart a run for her money. I mean she has way more money than you but you didn’t serve jail time. That I know of.

Bon Appetite!

The Grinch’s Devilish Who-Ville Turkey

Our favorite emerald master of break and enter with a heart that fluctuates in size annually (He should really see a Doctor) presents us with a spicy spin on the traditional roast beast found on Holiday Dinner tables.

Ingredients

•   1 onion, chopped
•   1 (12 ounce) jar roasted red peppers, drained and chopped
•   1 cup whiskey
•   1/2 cup minced garlic
•   1 (22 pound) whole turkey, neck and giblets removed
•   1 (7 ounce) can chipotle chilies in adobo sauce
•   roasting bag for a large turkey

Directions

1.  Preheat an oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
2.  Stir together the onion, roasted red peppers, whiskey, and garlic and place this mixture inside the cavity of the bird. Mince chipotle peppers in a food processor until about the consistency of spaghetti sauce. Rub half of the chipotles on the outside of the turkey, and place the rest inside the bird cavity. Place turkey in a roasting bag; close the bag according to the bag directions, and place onto a roasting pan.
3.  Bake the turkey in the preheated oven until no longer pink at the bone and the juices run clear, about 3 1/2 hours. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh, near the bone should read 180 degrees F (82 degrees C). Remove the turkey from the oven, and allow to rest in a warm area 10 to 15 minutes before slicing.

A Christmas Story presents: Randy’s Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes

Your Mom won’t have to trick your little brother into thinking he’s a little piggy in order to get him to eat these deep fried cheesy starch bombs of awesomeness! They’re fudging great!

Ingredients:

• 2 cups mashed potatoes
• salt and pepper , to taste
• cheese , any type (optional)

For The Batter

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup milk
• oil (for deep frying)

Directions:

1.  Make mashed potatoes into golf –ball or small ball size.
2.  Add cheese per taste
3.  Freeze for 2 hours or more.
4.  Mix together the flour, milk, egg and salt to make the batter.
5.  Gently dip mashed potato balls into batter, being careful that all exposed potato is coated with batter.
6. Deep fry in hot oil until golden brown.

Frosty’s Killer Candy Cane Ice-Cream in a Bag

There must have been some magic in that those two Ziploc bags you use to create this delicious and quick chilly snack with a minty seasonal kick of peppermint candy canes. Naw, it’s just science.

Ingredients:

•  1/2 cup half-and-half
•   1 tablespoon sugar
•   1/4 teaspoon vanilla
•   1 sandwich ziploc bag
•   1 gallon ziploc bag
•   3 cups crushed ice
•   1/3 cup rock salt
•   crushed candy canes

Directions:

1.  Put first 3 ingredients in the smaller Ziploc bag and seal bag (Make sure it is tightly closed!)
2.  Put ice and rock salt in the larger bag and then add the filled small bag. Seal the large bag.
3.  Squeeze bag until ice cream is thickened, about 10-15 minutes.
4.  Remove small bag, unseal, stir in crushed candy canes and eat with spoon
5.  No need to even dirty a bowl!

Bonus Pet Recipe!
Yukon Cornelius’s Minty Christmas Tree Dog Biscuits

Regardless if your team of North Pole loving dogs are stoic Huskies, virile German Shepherds’ or a Hodge podge of poodles and pugs, everybody likes fresh minty breath when it comes time to an obligatory lick-fest. Yukon says you can always substitute parsley in this recipe, but true men go the extra mile to find some mint when it comes to honoring Man’s Best Friend.

Ingredients:

•   2 Tablespoons Chopped Mint Leaves (Can also use parsley)
•   3/4 Cup Skim milk
•   1 Egg
•   1 Tablespoon Honey
•   3 Tablespoons Canola Oil
•   2 Tablespoons Wheat germ
•   1 Tablespoon Brewer’s Yeast
•   1 1/2 Cups Whole Wheat Flour

Instructions:

1. Add milk, egg, honey, oil, and mint to large mixing bowl and whisk together.
2. Add wheat germ and brewer’s yeast and stir together until well blended. Mix in wheat flour 1/4 cup at a time until stiff dough forms.
3. Place on floured surface and roll to desire thickness. Cut out using Christmas Tree cookie cutter. Bake at 300 degrees. If rolled to 3/8″ baking time is 30 to 35 minutes or until a golden brown.

Tip: After shutting off the oven I leave the dog biscuits in the oven for a couple hours to make sure they are completely dry and crunchy. Then they can be stored for a long time without worrying about spoilage.

Bonus Recipe for Large Families!
The Three Wisemen Stuffed Camel

“If he was to be dinner,he vowed to take at least one of them with him.”

Forget expensive ingredients like gold, frankincense and myrrh. This recipe is heavy on flavor and ironically water. Sure it might take some work to procure the camel but that’s what lax, bribable government officials in the import / export departments are for. Besides, you cook one of these and the neighborhood eats for a week. Now who’s the King?

Ingredients:

• 1 whole camel, medium size
• 1 whole lamb, large size
• 20 whole chickens, medium size
• 60 eggs
• 12 kilos rice
• 2 kilos pine nuts
• 2 kilos almonds
• 1 kilo pistachio nuts
• 110 gallons water
• 5 pounds black pepper
• Salt to taste

Directions:

1. Skin, trim and clean camel (once you get over the hump), lamb and chicken.
2. Boil until tender.
3. Cook rice until fluffy.
4. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice.
5. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice.
6. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens.
7. Add more rice.
8. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice.
9. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown.
10. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice.
11. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts.
12. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.