Ever since I got a package in the mail containing them, I’ve been trying to figure out something intriguing about Wheat Thins’ two newest flavors, Spicy Buffalo and Zesty Salsa. The packaging and marketing of them will have you believe that these new varieties are BOLD and have a TON of flavor. Spicy Buffalo. Zesty Salsa. That’s cool and all; you have to get people interested in your product. But I just don’t know if there’s anything that would get me excited about new flavors of Wheat Thins.

That’s not to say I don’t like Wheat Thins. I do, sort of. I don’t love them, but they’re a classic. Wheat Thins and sliced cheese has been a common snack in my household since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. It wasn’t until they sent me a box of limited edition Sweet Cinnamon Wheat Thins a few months ago that I realized there was more than one flavor. I had probably seen them at the store and seen commercials for them, but they didn’t jump out at me. Wheat Thins just don’t pique my interest.

I do like these new boxes, though. They’re real purdy. I kind of like the simplicity of the front of the box; just a pepper for Zesty Salsa and a bottle of hot sauce for Spicy Buffalo. What I don’t like is the back of the box yelling at me. I’ll taste it if I want! Back off, Wheat Thins. I also don’t like this commercial:

Actually I do like it; Tracy Morgan is hilarious. But it has absolutely nothing to do with Wheat Thins. It’s just Tracy Morgan being funny with a box of Wheat Thins next to him. Is that supposed to compel me to buy them? It doesn’t.

But enough about Wheat Thins’ interesting, if not questionable marketing strategies. You’re here because you want to know if these crackers are any good. You want to know if it’s worth buying a box on your next trip to the supermarket. But first I want to take a moment to talk about a frightening epidemic that’s only getting worse in this country: cat diabetes. Just kidding, I hate cats. Let’s talk about crackers.

The first new flavor I tried was Zesty Salsa. The thing that I found interesting about these was that they chose green bell peppers to create a salsa flavor, as opposed to the much more common tomato. They went outside the box on this one, and I like that. Nonetheless, I happen to enjoy tomato salsa, so I was skeptical.

My first thought as I ate a cracker was, wow, these actually taste like salsa! The main flavor that comes through in Wheat Thins Zesty Salsa is green bell pepper, which is not surprising considering the green hue of the flavor powder a.k.a. Wheat Thins fairy dust. Also present were onions, garlic, and chili powder. Lots of chili powder. And as always, the lingering flavor was wheat.

But the initial novelty of a snack that actually tastes like the packaging promises quickly wore off as I realized these crackers just aren’t that great. In fact, I kind of wished there was no salsa flavor, just the classic malty Wheat Thin flavor. To me, a good snack is one that you can just keep eating without even thinking about it, and Wheat Thins Zesty Salsa don’t fit the bill. 5/10

Next up is Spicy Buffalo. I’m not all that big on hot sauce and the like, so once again I wasn’t expecting much. First, I licked the cracker to taste the orange fairy dust. Initially it was kind of sweet, possibly from tomato powder being included in the fairy dust, but then the Buffalo flavor came through. As with Zesty Salsa, Wheat Thins nailed the flavor. These definitely taste like Buffalo sauce. They have a strong cayenne pepper flavor and quite a bit of tang from the vinegar. I could not stop eating these crackers. Not because they’re amazing, but because they’re somewhat spicy and if I stop it will burn more! They’re not runny-nose spicy; it’s more of a slow burn. But a burn nonetheless.

Unfortunately, these missed the mark for me as well. On the plus side, they do taste like Buffalo sauce and are slightly addictive due to the decent amount of heat. But like I mentioned, hot sauce isn’t my thing. These just weren’t meant for me. 6/10

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Jelly Beans made candy that tastes like vomit and grass among other things, and that’s kind of fun. It’s cool that they were able to make jelly beans legitimately taste like sardines. But just because they were able to recreate a flavor in a jelly bean does not mean that flavor is good. Same goes for Wheat Thins Zesty Salsa and Spicy Buffalo. If you love salsa or buffalo sauce, you might enjoy these new flavors. Otherwise, move along. Nothing to see here. In conclusion, we should all be more sensitive to our cats’ dietary needs.

(Disclaimer: Wheat Thins gave me these. For free!)

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